I’ll never forget the first time my heart was broken. I’m talking about that I just got punched in the gut and I think my heart actually ripped apart feeling. I was a junior in high school. A girl I thought was one of my best friends was driving me home after we left the Sweetheart Dance at the local high school. As she parked in my driveway, she looked over at me with this smirk on her face and says, “You know, Jake is a decent kisser, but Braden, he’s a really great kisser.” Braden was my high school boyfriend at the time. You know, the first, the one you think you love with all your heart. The one you think could be…. The One. So, it turned out, he wasn’t. As evidenced by the fact that my “best friend” kissed him 15 feet away from me behind a locker and he kissed her back. Looking at it now, I definitely dodged a bullet both with the boyfriend and the girl I thought was my friend. But I digress. At the time, I was certain that nothing could ever hurt as much as that did, until I watched my son experience his first heartbreak. I’m honestly not sure which is worse, watching our children endure heartbreak, or not being able to just magically fix it for them. It was so easy when they were little! You just clean up the scrape, kiss it better, and all is right with their world again.
There are all kinds of different heartbreaks our kids will have to endure over the course of their lifetime. Their friends will betray them, or they will lose friendships. They break up with their significant other. They don’t make the team. Their plans get derailed. Their dreams don’t come true. They miss out on an opportunity they really wanted. And on, and on, and on.
The struggle we have as parents is the fact that when our kids’ hearts get broken, there isn’t very much we can do to fix it. No matter how much we want to. The good news is there are things we can say to help ease the pain a little. I’ve compiled a list of ten things we can say to our children to help them when their hearts are broken.
- I’m Sorry
Oftentimes we had nothing to do with whatever it was that broke our child’s heart, but it’s important they know that when they are hurting and struggling, we’re right there going through it with them. Telling our children that we’re sorry when they are hurting lets them know that we see them hurting, and while we understand there probably isn’t anything we can do to help or change the situation, we love them, and we are right there with them. This support and love are powerful. I know for myself, there are plenty of times that I just want to know someone is there to listen to me and support my feelings, even if I know they can’t fix the situation for me.
2. I Know It Hurts, But You Won’t Always Feel This Way
I tell my son- you need to acknowledge and feel your feelings. It’s not healthy to just shove them down and pretend they don’t exist. Feel the pain, cry, scream, punch your pillow, but understand that this is temporary. You will get through it. It’s important that we help our children acknowledge and work through these heavy and hard feelings. It’s healthy. We also need to be there to remind them that it won’t always feel this way.
3. What Can I Do To Help You?
Can I hug you while you cry? Do you want me to just listen to you while you vent? Do you want to go for a run, or to the gym so you can process what you’re feeling through a workout? Do you want to have pancakes for dinner and watch a sad movie so you can get the tears out?
At the end of the day, you may not be able to do anything to help ease their initial pain, but offering your love and support will help them feel loved and supported. It’s so important that our kids know we are there to help them, love them, support them, and that we’ll make pancakes for dinner if that’s what they need.
4. What Do You Want To Do Next?
So many times, our kids look to us to tell them what to do. It’s so important that we do not make this next decision for them, it will probably be wrong if we do. It is not for us to say if this is a speed bump, or a dead end on the road. Our kids need to be empowered to make these important decisions for themselves. We absolutely should be there to let them talk through their feelings and their choice. We need to support them and let them know that we love them no matter what, and that we will always be there for them.
5. How Can I Help You Get Ready For What Comes Next?
No matter what the setback was….. getting cut from the team, a personal relationship falling apart, a rejection letter from the college they really wanted to go to, or falling short of achieving some other goal, our kids will have to decide if they want to try again, toss the goal all together, or try for something different. Once they have made that decision it’s important that we help support whatever action they need to take for their next step. Do they need to practice a specific skill? Great, what can I do to help you with that? Do they need someone to proofread the college essay they need to write? Heck yeah, I’ll get my red pen. Do they need help talking through what they want to say to someone? Well, you get the point. They have to take the step, but you can be there cheering them on or supporting them in the best way possible.
6. Do You Want To Try Something Else?
So, your kid wants to be an Olympic swimmer…. But they can’t seem to put their face in the water. They got cut from the high school swimming team. Do you want to try a different sport? What about basketball, track, golf, or tennis? It’s also totally OK to just swim for fun! So you really wanted to go to a specific college and didn’t get in, do you want to look at what other schools offer the degree program you’re looking for? We live in a world where the sky is the limit. There is always another option, and you never know, the new option might be a hundred times better than what you thought you wanted.
7. Do You Want To Quit?
We live in a world where quitting has been vilified so much that people feel like they can’t quit no matter what. Honestly, that’s one of the more ridiculous standards our society has created. Sometimes things just don’t work, or they just aren’t right. Your child is not a tree, they do not have to remain rooted where they are. Please help them understand that quitting is OK sometimes. There is so much pressure to just keep pushing on and to never quit, but that’s not always the healthiest approach. Sure, we want them to keep going and not quit when things get a little difficult. There comes a time when they are miserable, and it’s just not working, and it doesn’t feel right… and in these circumstances it absolutely is OK to quit.
8. Something Good Will Come Out Of This
After our devastated children have some time to grieve their loss, or process whatever it was that happened, it’s good for them to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Looking back now, I’m so grateful that my so-called friend kissed my boyfriend. Sure, it hurt to lose my friend and my boyfriend, to feel the hurt and the betrayal, but it worked out really well for me in the end. Hopefully everything worked out well for them, too. I have been blessed with a beautiful life, and a beautiful family. I’ve had the opportunity to live all over the country, travel all over the world, and do some really cool things that most people will never get to do. That heartbreak put me on the path that brought me to my amazing husband and our incredible son. Instead of marrying a man that would kiss my best friend, I married a man who loves me unconditionally. He supports every crazy idea I have and jumps in with both feet without hesitation. Without that heartbreak I probably never would have left my hometown. I never would have joined the Army. I never would have gotten to fly as a helicopter door gunner in a combat zone. I wouldn’t have had all the other amazing adventures I’ve gotten to have. I wouldn’t trade this life for anything in the world. In the moment it felt big, but it was just a steppingstone.
9. This Does Not Define You
Our children are beautiful, complex, full human beings. Sure, for a chapter of their life they could be the ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend, the understudy, the benchwarmer, the kid who got cut from the sports team, or the wait-listed/rejected from college student. That is only one tiny piece of one chapter. It feels so big when it’s happening, but that is not all of who they are. It’s important that they understand there is more to life, and a year from now they will look back and feel a little differently about the situation. They may even be happy that they had to make a change, whatever comes next could be better than they ever imagined.
10. (I Think This Is The Most Important One) I Love You No Matter What
Sometimes we have no idea what to say in a situation. Sometimes everything we try to say comes out all wrong and makes everything worse. Let me let you in on a little secret. When you aren’t sure what to say, just tell your kiddo that you love them no matter what.
Is there anything you would add to this list? Do you have a story you would like to share with us? I’d love to hear from you!