No matter how hard I try, I will never be able to teach my child every single thing he will need to know in order to survive everything this life could throw at him. All I can do is try to drop some motherly wisdom on him and hope some of it sticks. My baby boy, my only child, the little light of my life is eyeballs deep in the mentally, physically, and emotionally chaotic state that we call the teenage years. As I write this, he is currently finishing up his Freshman year of high school. We homeschool, so things look a lot different than they did when I went to high school. There are some things that never change, though. He still deals with the same growing pains, search for friends, social acceptance, trying to figure out who he is and what he wants to do that we all struggled with as we grew up.
The teenage years can be hard! (I know they’re hard for me as his Mama, so I can only imagine how rough it is for him). The huge and continuous changes in every area of his life can be overwhelming at times.
Trying to manage the ever-present, always changing, continual flood of emotions can be confusing and sometimes exhausting.
Not to mention, the physical changes that happen so rapidly can be frustrating and awkward to manage!
I was looking at social media memories this morning and came across a post I made last year. It had pictures of him from last year and a couple of years ago. I made a comment that I couldn’t believe that he had grown so much. A year later my 14-year-old man child is now 4 inches taller and 10 pounds heavier. I’m pretty sure he’s not done growing yet, either.
He’s going through so much change in such a short period of time. As his Mama, I want to make sure my teenager has the resilience and confidence to get through these years the best he can. I want to teach and guide him the best way I know how. Most of all, I want to remind him continually that we’re proud of him, he is loved, and cherished.
It’s not possible for me to teach him everything he will ever need to know. He will have to learn plenty of lessons on his own, some he will have to learn the hard way. I will always do my very best to drop some knowledge on him to try to help him learn and grow. Hopefully he will find some of the knowledge helpful, even if it’s in hindsight as he’s looking back on his youth. Here are a few things I want my teenage son to know as he navigates this crazy and confusing chapter of his life.
- Your Friends Matter
I know you have heard me say this a million times, and you’re likely to hear it a million more. Who you hang out with matters so much more than you realize. They say you are a byproduct of the five people you associate with the most. This is hard because the teenage years are full of hormones, emotions, and trying to navigate new situations. Sometimes our friends make choices we don’t agree with. As long as I can remember I’ve always told you to be the example, and to not get dragged into someone else’s crazy. Pull them into your calm, don’t get sucked into their chaos. This doesn’t always work, though. It takes a level of confidence and maturity that we don’t always have when we’re teenagers. Beyond that, we all want to feel accepted, and sometimes the people we are seeking acceptance from because they are popular, or they are the “cool” kids, aren’t really the type of people we actually want to be like. The right friends will be the people who support you and encourage you. They will be the people who believe in you even when you’re struggling to believe in yourself. The right friends will want the best for you, and they will be there with you through thick and thin. If someone bails on you at the first sign of disagreement or conflict, then I hope you believe them when they tell you that they aren’t meant to be in your life. That’s OK! Wish them well and be on your way.
2. Be A Good Human
Be kind. All the time. Just be a good human. I adopted a saying a while ago that I have tried to live my life by. Treat people as good as you are, not as bad as they are. When people are disrespectful, rude, impatient, or just downright cruel to you it usually has a lot more to do with them than it does with you. I know sometimes it’s hard to reconcile that because the ugliness feels so personal, but I bet more often than not they are struggling with something you know nothing about. I don’t mean you should sit around at take abuse from people, if they can’t be a good human then wish them well and be on your way. More often than not though, I would bet that if you react with patience and kindness you will find that helps temper the fire of whatever is going on in their life. Even if it’s just for a brief moment. People may not remember the things that you said and did, those little memories tend to fade over the years. They will remember how you made them feel.
3. Comparison Truly Is The Thief Of Joy
No, really, it is. Please don’t spend even a single moment comparing yourself to anyone else. You have your own unique life experiences, life situations, goals, dreams, desires, talents and abilities. Your path will never look like anybody else’s path and that’s because it’s not supposed to. I’ve told you your entire life….. life would be so BORING if we were all the same! I know it’s hard sometimes to not compare yourself to your peers. So and so is faster, this kid has a harder shot, this kid can make friends with anybody, and so on and so forth. Sure, they can do things you can’t, but I’m going to bet that you can do things they can’t. The world needs all of your strengths, and your weaknesses believe it or not. Cooperation and collaboration are what makes the world go round. You should continually strive to get better, faster, stronger, smarter and better at the things you do. Please, never stop trying to improve. But you can’t spend your life chasing someone else’s standards or comparing yourself to them. The best thing for you to do is to compare yourself to the person you were yesterday. Are you a half second faster than you were yesterday? Can you lift five pounds more than you did the last time you lifted? Did you read today? Are you focused on a goal, or are you just aimlessly floating along? Stay true to who you are, please do not spend even one minute trying to be someone else. That’s a huge disservice to you and to the rest of the world. The world needs you to be the best version of you.
4. Don’t Get Hung Up On One Girl
I know first loves feel big and beautiful and special in all the right ways. Your teenage years are a time when you are growing up and trying to figure out who you are. Chances are this amazing girl is also trying to figure out who she is. Of course, there’s a chance that she’s definitely “the one” and you guys are going to stand the test of time. However, there’s also a chance that as you two learn and grow you’re going to realize that maybe each of you is looking for something a little different for the future. You have plenty of time to find “the one”. I truly hope that you enjoy experiencing the depth of friendship you can have with a member of the opposite sex. Be genuine, be curious, and for the love of everything please be a gentleman! Please understand that it’s totally OK to let go of a relationship that may not have the makings to last forever. It’s also OK to be let go of, and I hope when that time comes you will also be gracious. Feel your feelings, mourn your loss, but please don’t stay in your heartbreak too long because you might miss the next amazing thing life has in store for you.
5. Please Do Not Make A Permanent Decision Based On A Temporary Feeling
Life is not fair. It’s not ever going to be. There will always be good times and bad times. The hard times are inevitable, but I promise you they will not last forever. The irony of life is that we cannot truly appreciate the good without fully understanding what the bad looks and feels like. I know some of these times, both the good and the bad, will feel really big when you’re in the moment. You will look around and feel like the situation will never end. It will. I hope you never develop the habit of quitting as soon as things get difficult. I hope you never get so caught up in something good that you throw all your eggs into that basket. Many things in life are temporary. Please always try to remember the chats we’d have on the drive home from hockey. Name the good things that happened. Say them out loud and acknowledge them. If there was something bad or a mistake, then name it and list three things you can do to work on that skill for the future. Anything that just didn’t work- let it go. Brain dump it and don’t give it another thought. Nothing good will come from carrying that negativity into the future with you. You have no control over anything but yourself. You can’t control other people and trying to will just add unnecessary stress and drama to your life. I hope that you can carry this with you through the duration of your life.
6. Try Not To Take Life Or Yourself Too Seriously
I know that sometimes things feel really really big in the moment. I know this. I’ve been there. You are young, and you have so much life ahead of you. It is extremely likely that whatever you are going through is not going to be the end of the world. Try not to take yourself or life or whatever is going on too seriously. Try to find the humor in difficult situations. Keep your head up and try to find a reason to laugh. Laughter can change almost any situation. Try to find the helpers and the good people in the difficult seasons of your life. If you can’t find the helpers and the good people, then go out and be one. Serving our fellow humans or doing something kind for someone else are two of the very best ways to make yourself feel better. No matter what happens, please just try to remember, “This too shall pass.” And that your Mama loves you.
7. You Can ALWYAS Come Home
More than anything else in the world, please remember that you can always come home. If you are struggling, feel like you have no idea what to do next, or you don’t know where to go…. Please just know that your Mama’s arms, heart and door will always be open to you. You are welcome to come home anytime. Whether you just need a visit to take a break and recharge, or you need to move back in to reevaluate what you want to do, know that there will always be a listening ear, a homecooked meal, motherly advice, or a place to crash. Our home will always be your home. You are loved unconditionally.