The book club I’m part of is reading “Worthy” by Jamie Kern Lima this month. Have you read it? There is so much goodness in this book, I wish I had read it years ago! As a recovering people pleaser, her talks about setting boundaries really resonated with me. I feel like we often set our children up for failure in this department because we overrule their natural instincts and commit them to things they don’t want to do, or we force them to commit to things they don’t want to do. We tell them well-meaning, but detrimental things like “sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to do”, or “that’s just life”. Beyond that, we’ve created a society that wears our business like some kind of badge of honor. I’ll use myself as an example. At one point, while my husband was serving in the Army full time, I was working a full-time job for the Army Reserve, serving part time as a Soldier in the Army Reserve, homeschooling my son, serving on the board for his hockey organization, and working on my Masters Degree. Yikes! We won’t talk about the unholy amounts of caffeine I had to consume just to pretend I was functioning. This is not the good life my friends. As parents, especially as Moms, we often find ourselves saying yes out of obligation when every part of us is screaming no, I can’t take on anything else.
Let’s help our kids understand how to set healthy boundaries. We may learn a little something along the way that will help us out as well. I hope. Boundaries are a great thing. When you set boundaries you protect your emotions, energy and time, and this leads to more self-love and way less people-pleasing. Setting boundaries helps us create an environment that is pleasant and stable for us and the people around us.
There are so many benefits that come with setting boundaries!
You feel like you are the one in control of your life, instead of being at the mercy of everything around you. When you are aware of what your limits are, and you enforce them, you feel more empowered and confident.
You will have stronger, more stable, and more honest relationships with the people in your life. Boundaries teach people how to respect you. When you kindly define what you need and expect from people they do not have to guess, and you don’t have to stress when they cross the line.
You will be able to continue to grow into your most authentic self. Having boundaries helps us understand our priorities and values. Understanding these things helps us foster our personal growth and development. Sometimes it’s hard to know how we truly feel about things because we are accepting behaviors in our lives that we don’t align with.
Boundaries will also help you have more focus and energy. If you aren’t constantly giving everything you have to the people around you then you will have more energy available to be able to focus on your goals and needs.
Having boundaries will also help you decrease the stress and anxiety in your life. When we are overwhelmed and overextended, we get extremely stressed. When we focus our lives on things that truly matter to us instead of giving all our time and energy to everyone else, we feel less stressed and anxious.
When we respect our own limits, the amazing Tonya Leigh (www.schoolofselfimage.com) calls this our “red velvet rope policy”, we can maintain our relationships, maintain productivity and honor our well-being. We create a culture of mutual respect, and effective communication when we are able to share and kindly enforce our personal boundaries. Well defined boundaries help us to remain true to ourselves, to live our lives with integrity. Our boundaries help us to be true to our beliefs and ideals, and it also take the guessing out of our interactions with other people. When people know what to expect from their interactions with us they feel more open to being their true, authentic selves. We’ve created a culture that is very good at putting the mask on around people because we aren’t sure how to act around them. This leads to interactions feeling inauthentic, which leads to us feeling inauthentic, which can lead to us not trusting ourselves or feeling as confident as we could. Having our boundaries helps us live in peace and authenticity, and it helps the people around us do the same.
So how do we create these amazing, wonderful, super helpful boundaries?! Well, I’m so glad you asked!
First….. we have to identify what actually matters to us. Are you a person who needs peace and calm? Are you someone who really values your family time? Are you someone who values honesty and feels betrayed when someone doesn’t tell you the truth? Once you define your values it will be easier to create boundaries to protect them.
Next, you have to trust your instincts. You know when something feels off, your body gives you signals. When someone asks you for something, and you really don’t want to say yes, you feel a weird feeling in your stomach, or your head hurts, or your eye twitches. That’s your subconsciousness telling you that you should say no. These are the situations where it would benefit you to have a boundary.
When honoring your boundaries you need to say what you mean. When you want to say no, just say no. You don’t even need to explain yourself if you don’t want to. If you do decide to offer reasons for your decision, then be honest. If there is something that you need then be honest and clear as you communicate. Understand that it’s better to ask for what you want or need than to want it but expect the other person to read your mind and “just know” what you want. Sometimes the answer might be no. Sometimes the other person cannot meet your needs. It’s so much better to know this from the beginning than to experience frustration and harbor resentment for your needs not being met.
Finally, understand that not everyone is meant to be a continual part of your journey. And that’s OK! Honor yourself and respect your own boundaries. The people who embrace and respect your boundaries will be a supportive and uplifting part of your life. As you honor and respect your boundaries your confidence and sense of self-worth will grow. Boundaries are a good thing for everyone! Don’t forget to respect the boundaries of others as well, as you continue along your journey.
If you want to read Worthy by Jamie Kern Lima you can get your copy here: https://amzn.to/4bk4FEP
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