Parents put so much time and energy into developing their children’s talents. I can’t help but wonder what their lives would be like if we put the same time and effort into developing our children’s hearts.
I often find myself telling my son that he is who he is, he is not solely defined by the things he does. I remember reading an article a few years ago about a professional athlete who ended up taking their life. I ended up being part of an interesting discussion that boiled down to a pretty simple concept. Help your children understand that they are more than a *insert sport here* player. For us, it was help our son understand that he is more than a hockey player. Help your child understand they are more than just a basketball player, or more than just a football player. There is so much more to their life than just the sport they play. Seems simple enough, but it can be difficult in practice. I know I’ve caught myself being the “coach” mom sometimes. Instead of just asking if he had a good time and telling him I’m proud of him, I find myself eyeball deep in telling him the things I think he needs to work on, or the mistakes he made. Y’all, don’t be like me. I’ve finally taught myself to answer his “how do you think I did?” question with…. I thought you did well, how do YOU think you did? We are both much happier these days. Thankfully he’s only 14, and I don’t think I’ve permanently damaged him over hockey, but I easily could have. Anyway, I’m rambling.
Teenagers live in this space where they want to find a way to stand out, to be the best. High school is a perpetual competition, and we don’t realize until long after it’s over that there isn’t really a prize for “winning”. I remember in high school I desperately wanted to be a great basketball player. All the girls on the team were popular, and they were all super close friends. That was a club I really wanted to belong to. I made the basketball team, but I was never a superstar, and I never ended up being part of the popular crowd. I was also on the debate team, and all through high school I just knew I was going to be an amazing, rich, high-profile lawyer when I grew up. It’s funny how we look back and wonder, did I really want these things? Did I ever really want to be a lawyer? I wanted to help people, but I don’t think being a lawyer was what I really wanted. I had fun playing basketball, but I was really looking for acceptance and a village.
How many of you are reading this and nodding your head along with me? How many of you are reflecting back on the activities you participated in back when you were in high school? Do you still love them? Did you go on to do those things when you grew up? Please share, I’d love to hear your story!! Anyway, whether you did or didn’t carry your high school dreams and loves into your future, it’s human nature to want to be seen and acknowledged for our talents and efforts. I’m not sure we ever really grow out of that, but we can manage our expectations to make sure we have a healthy relationship with our activities and goals. The world we live in doesn’t always make that easy, especially in this overly connected world where our teenagers are inundated with social media, photoshopped images, and continually changing expectations. It can be overwhelming! Our children are constantly told they have to be the best in order to matter. They have to be the fastest, strongest, smartest, best looking, most dedicated, most talented…. And on and on and on.
So where does this leave our teens who aren’t the best of the best at whatever their “thing” is? What if they don’t even have some sort of thing?? Sadly, for many of our children they are left feeling like they are not good enough. A lot of teenagers end up quitting whatever sport they have been playing since they were a little kid, and they do this for a multitude of reasons. Maybe they just don’t feel like they’re good enough. Perhaps they don’t really love it anymore and maybe they just want to try something different. I also feel like I have to acknowledge that the other half of this coin is this is just the way the world works. A lot of these kids who are being celebrated for being the best worked very hard to get where they are. Additionally, not everyone can be the best. This can be really frustrating for our teens (and for us as adults but that is an entirely different conversation), as they scroll through social media and compare themselves to everyone else.
Here’s the thing…. Everyone has something they are great at. It may not be whatever social media is telling them is the hottest thing ever, but all our kids have talents. Additionally, to the point I was trying to make before…… we need to help our kids understand they are more than just the sports they play, the clubs they participate in, and/or the grades they earn. They need to understand that being kind is an asset, being a good listener is a great characteristic to have, and being honest is a wonderful thing to be. As parents it is our responsibility to help them understand that their identity is more than just one or two pieces of the puzzle that is currently making up their lives. We also need to help them understand that their lives will continue to grow and evolve. When they’re 30 it might be cool to tell their kids that they hold the school record for the mile run, but is that really going to affect the rest of their life? When they’re 30 holding the door for the person behind them, being a good listener, complimenting a stranger, or doing something nice for someone WILL still be important.
As parents we sometimes wrap our identity up in our kids, probably more than we should. (I’m looking at myself- yelling at him from the bleachers while I wear my #71 sweatshirt and drink coffee out of my “hockey mom” mug). We also tend to make it about how we feel if they decide they want to quit or try something else. We need to stop doing that! This pressure feeds into those feelings that they have to be the best at whatever sport or activity they are doing. Of course we want them to try to do their very best, but we also want them to want to be there! We want them to understand that their effort matters, but that they are more than just a hockey player, or a basketball player, or a baseball player. The other trap we as parents fall into is wanting the world to see our child the way we do. We also want the world to praise our child the way that we think it should. This is a gross trap to fall into because then our children start to seek that out from everyone around them, instead of developing the confidence in themselves that comes from their feeling of accomplishment. It’s hard, I get it. Every time we’ve moved, and he’s had to try out for a new hockey team I always get super frustrated by the politics, and the fact that everyone else has played together forever and he’s the new kid. I want the coaches to see how great he is, and just expect them to know immediately that he’s focused and hard working. It’s so easy to get frustrated when that doesn’t happen. What he really needs from me is to sit in the bleachers and cheer him on, and after practice to tell him that I could tell he was working really hard and I’m proud of his effort.
Let’s work on nurturing their instincts, and their confidence. Let’s focus on helping them to do the right thing, and to understand why it’s the right thing. As our kids grow, they will find themselves in some sticky situations. Let’s help them have the confidence to know if they should be doing something or not, and strength to say hey…. I don’t think this is something I’m interested in doing. Let’s give them the confidence to be OK with making those choices and voicing those opinions. As parents, let’s teach our children to welcome the new kid, and to step in when they see someone being bullied. Everyone wants to fit in, we all want to be liked. If we can help our kids like themselves, they will be less inclined to accept disrespect just because it comes with attention.
I very regularly tell my son that I love his kind heart, and I love that he’s so thoughtful. One of my favorite memories from when he was younger is a story I love to tell. We were in the post office one day when he was four or five. There was an older lady ahead of us waiting to mail a package. She accidentally dropped a bunch of change on the floor, and before I could even say anything or move, my little dude was on the floor picking up her change for her. That was just his instinct, and he felt confident enough to act on what he thought he should do. Ten years later, he is still that same sweet, thoughtful kid. We were at the beach with a bunch of the families from the hockey program he participates in yesterday. It was a potluck, we all brought food. The kids played in the ocean and then caught crabs after it started to get dark. I was sitting there just enjoying the peace and watching the ocean. Everyone was getting food and my kiddo went and got himself a plate. One of his friends had brought pulled pork and some rolls to go with it. There apparently weren’t very many rolls. So, he gets his food, and comes over to talk to me for a second. He randomly hands me this dinner roll. I didn’t understand, but eventually I realized that there were not very many rolls and he wanted to make sure that I got one too. It was so sweet and thoughtful! A little while later he brought me a plate of food to go with my dinner roll. I felt extremely loved in that moment. Nobody asked him to, he just felt like doing it. So, I again told him that I really love his kind heart, and I appreciate his thoughtfulness. The moral of the story is, let’s work on nurturing the attributes we want our kids to display. Let’s help them understand that they are more than their sports, grades, or activities. Do you have any stories about your kids exhibiting kindness that you would like to share? We’d love to hear them!