I don’t know about you, but as my child becomes a teenager there is part of me that is reminded of the toddler stage. They have minds of their own, they have strong opinions about everything, they question everything, and sometimes they have a hard time communicating what they want or need. Sometimes it can feel like we’re trying to delicately weave our way through a minefield without setting anything off.
Here’s the thing parents, our kids really do want to talk to us! Sometimes they just have a hard time expressing what they are thinking or feeling. We have to be mindful that we handle these moments with care.
Our teens are continually learning and growing. They are trying to figure out what their opinions and beliefs are. They know what yours are, and chances are that they are going to continue to agree with you most of the time, but they still need to flex their muscles and kick the tires a little bit to make sure for themselves.
There are going to be plenty of times that we don’t see eye to eye with our teenagers. It’s going to happen. They are going to make choices we do not agree with. They are going to do things that make us shake our heads and ask what the heck were you thinking?! Here’s the thing…. And this is important so please take this to heart. The very best thing you can do for your teen is to be supportive and be their safe place. Just love them. Unconditionally. Remember that they are learning and growing, and they need to be able to think critically and trust their instincts. When they make mistakes, and they will, just be there to support and love them. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying there shouldn’t be consequences for bad choices. But if they make a mistake and the first thing you do is scream and yell at them without giving them a chance to explain, it’s highly likely that they will not feel safe coming to you the next time they make a mistake. That’s not a road you want to be on.
There are things we can do as parents to build the relationship with our teens while still setting healthy boundaries.
- Have the hard conversations, but be willing to press pause if one or both of you need a break. If your teen makes a mistake and you are both angry, frustrated, scared, emotional, whatever feeling you’re having, it might be hard to have an honest conversation. Yes, the words that come out of both of your mouths might be honest in the moment, but it may not be what you actually want to say. It’s perfectly OK for you to say, “Hey, I’m feeling really frustrated right now, and I would like to table this discussion right now and try this again when I’ve calmed down.” This is an outstanding behavior for us as parents to use in our lives as well as model for our children. Words said in anger cannot be taken back, and oftentimes are not forgotten. When the time comes and your kiddo says, “Hey Mom, hey Dad, I’m feeling really overwhelmed and I need a break. Can we talk about this later?” Just. Say. Yes. And leave it. That last part is hard, I know. The conversation will be ten times better when you’ve both had a chance to clear your heads. This also helps your kids understand that they are safe to talk to you about things even if they are emotional topics. Our kids would talk to us a lot more if we stopped freaking out when they tell us things.
- Give them a chance to talk. This has been something I have had to consciously work on. The other night at hockey practice the dude was having an off day. I could see that he was frustrated and I felt like he kind of quit on himself. At one point he looked up at me and I’m sure the subtitles on my face weren’t great. After practice he took his time getting undressed and out to the car. I didn’t know it at the time, but he was bracing himself for me to yell at him or come down on him for his lack of effort. I’m not one of those moms who expects my son to be the superstar of the team. I could care less how many goals or assists he has, or what his plus/minus stat is. What I care about is did he put his full effort into what he was doing. Anyway, when he got in the car I just asked him how he was doing and if he had a snack in his bag. He said he did and we just sat there listening to the music for a few minutes. Eventually he says…. Sorry I took so long to get out to the car, I was trying to figure out what to say when you yelled at me. Heart crushing moment for sure. I just said nah dude I’m not going to yell at you. He went on about how he knew he wasn’t putting in his full effort and he figured I’d be mad. Then he went on to tell me what the problem was, and why he was frustrated and in his head. Now, had I immediately started in on him about his performance, we never would have had that conversation. He would have been defeated and ashamed, frustrated and angry. I might not have even really heard what he said anyway. Yes, I was frustrated because I know what he can do. I also know that we all have off days. It’s a hard lesson to learn parents, but give them a chance to take a breath and then talk to you about whatever is going on. They want to talk to you. They care about what you think and they want to talk things through with you. The conversations only get harder as our teens grow up, so start early and give them a chance to talk. Be their safe space.
- The third thing goes right along with the second. When they are talking….. Listen. Really listen. Put your phone down, put whatever you’re doing down, look at them and hear what they are saying. I can promise you, if they feel like you don’t care they will stop talking. If they feel like you’re not listening or not hearing and understanding what they are saying they will stop talking to you.
- Finally, engage in the conversation and let them know that you heard and understood what they were saying. Even if you aren’t understanding what they are saying, this is a good way to get them to clarify so you can understand. We live in an extremely connected world where texting and social media make up the bulk of our teens interactions with their peers. Sometimes things get lost in translation, and it’s extremely hard to understand tone. This causes a lot of confusion and hurt feelings sometimes. When your kiddo comes to you and wants to talk about something it’s a good idea to ask those clarifying questions, not only so you can understand, but with the knowledge that sometimes it will help them have a better understanding of the situation. Sometimes talking things out can help something click in their brains as well.
Communication is one of the hardest things in the world. We’re working with our experiences and our level of understanding while trying to interact with someone who has different experiences and a different level of understanding. It takes time and conscious effort to develop our communication skills and to cultivate that relationship. Keep working at it! I promise you, it’s worth it. Do you have anything to add? I’d love to hear what you have to say!