Being a teenager is hard. Being a teenager in this digital, overly connected world is even more difficult than being a teenager when I grew up in the 1990s/2000s. As I’ve heard others my age say, at least we got to go through our growing pains without cell phones and social media.
Being a teenager means navigating through so many things, like hormones, peer pressure, stressing about your body image, pressure to perform in school and sports, and worrying that all your imperfect moments will be captured on a cell phone video and shared to social media. In addition to that, there is so much information constantly being thrown at our kids through social media. It can be overwhelming! This barrage of information can cause our teens to develop anxiety or depression since they are trying to figure out how they should act, how they should look, what they should do, what they should believe and so on. It’s hard for them to hear their own voice amidst all the chaos.
As parents, coaches, mentors and role models, it is our responsibility to help our teenagers grow to be confident in who they are. They have to do the work, but there are a lot of things that we can do to help them. Teens who have built their self-confidence are better equipped to handle outside stressors. Teens who have a strong confidence understand what their core values and beliefs are, and they are better able to make decisions that support those values and beliefs regardless of what is going on around them. Teens who have built their self-confidence are better able to handle peer pressure. They are better equipped to take healthy risks and they are more capable of recovering from setbacks.
Building confidence and self-esteem takes time. There are multiple things we as parents, coaches, mentors and role models can do to help our teens grow and thrive. Keep in mind, you do not have to do all of these to be successful! Figure out what is the right fit for your teenager and support their growth. The most important thing we can do for our teenager is BE THERE! Seriously. Listen to what they have to say. Offer support and encouragement. The second thing we need to do, which could actually be the most important thing, is to understand that they are their own person, they are not a mini us. I know, it’s hard!! But we need to check ourselves and understand that just because they are doing something differently than we would does not mean that it’s the wrong way to do it. OK, let’s all take a nice deep breath and let that little nugget of wisdom absorb into our brains. Phew. OK.
Sports and physical fitness are great ways to build confidence and self-esteem. Exercise and physical activities release chemicals in our bodies that help us feel better and manage our stress. Seeing improvement in measurable activities like how much weight they can lift or how fast/far our teens can run will improve their confidence and self-esteem. The same thing can happen with sports, along with winning in a competitive environment which always makes people feel good! Even in team sports, seeing their individual skills grow and develop will help them feel better about themselves. Exercise and sports can also have long term benefits of improving our body image which will help self-esteem and confidence! The thing I really love about sports for my teen’s confidence is seeing the people around them cheering for them and encouraging them is huge for their confidence. Of course, we want them to cheer for themselves, but having someone else acknowledging their growth and success can really make them feel good about themselves.
Keep track of their accomplishments. After a particularly rough hockey game my teenage son was really down on himself. It started to show in practice and his effort on the ice. I sat him down with a notebook and asked him to write down ten really great moments in his hockey history. I told him it could be anything from a beautiful goal to a really nice pass, to an instance where he played great defense. It didn’t take long before he had identified ten things. He had become so focused on what mistakes he thought he made that he was not thinking about all the great things he had done in that game, in the current season, and over the course of the time he had been playing. It’s hard not to focus on the mistakes we make, especially when they lead to a success for the other team. The thing is…. Our minds are so powerful. We need to help our teens understand this. What they focus on grows. If they spend all their time and energy focusing on things they did wrong, they will likely continue to do the same things over and over. In order to be successful they need to recognize the areas where they want to do some extra work, and they need to focus on the things they are doing right. I highly recommend reading the book “The Confident Mind” by Dr. Nate Zinsser ( you can find it here: https://amzn.to/49BUwT8 and as an Amazon associate, I earn a small commission from qualifying purchases.) In the book, Dr. Zinsser discusses this in depth, and has a lot of great mental exercises to help with focus, confidence and growth. I feel this book is a valuable read for teens and adults! He discusses this in depth and has a lot of great mental exercises to help with focus, confidence and growth.
Focus on praising their effort instead of the outcome. Instead of praising how many goals he scored, or how many assists he recorded, I praise him for the effort he put into practice. “I saw how hard you worked in practice”. “I could see how hard you were skating during drills”. Additionally, let them know it’s OK to make mistakes. Very early into my son’s hockey career he was struggling with a coach who consistently pointed out what he “should” have done. A lot of the time what the coach told him after the fact was contrary to what his instincts were, which eventually caused him to start second guessing himself and failing to make a timely decision. In this instance it was important to let him know that making a decision is better than hesitating and not making any decision 100% of the time. Once you make a decision you can evaluate it and adjust if you need to. We also talked about how he and his coach were different people, different style hockey players, and were seeing things from different perspectives. Now before you crucify me, please understand I am in no way advocating for you to tell your kids to ignore the coach. That’s not what this is. However, a person needs to be able to trust their instincts. If there is a need for a change in the overall strategy of the game that should be discussed prior to the game or in the locker room after rather than nitpicking each play after the fact. Phew. Still with me?? So long story short……. Focus on praising their effort instead of the outcome. Let them know that it is OK to make mistakes, that is how we learn.
Give your child a bit of freedom to make their own choices. I saw a meme the other day that I loved. It said, “I don’t want my children to obey any adult without question. I don’t want them to blindly follow their friends. That’s why I let them practice questioning, pushing back, and holding boundaries ON ME.” Dr. David Erickson. When people are micromanaged, they tend to feel like they aren’t very good at what they do, and they start to feel like they can’t trust themselves. This is when they start to be easily influenced by the people around them. They feel like they aren’t capable of making decisions, so they have to rely on others to do it for them. This is not what I want as a parent. I want my son to be so secure in who he is and what his values are that he will easily walk away from something that is not in alignment with him. This starts with letting them make their own choices AND letting them deal with the natural consequences. I know that last part is really hard for me as well. Here’s an example I’m sure all my teen boy moms are familiar with. Picture it….. Wyoming, 2022, mid-January. (I hope you’re getting the Golden Girls vibes I’m sending out) As I was saying, so the temperature is below freezing, it’s about 5:00 PM, and we’re heading to hockey practice. Dude comes rolling out to the truck wearing crocks, socks, workout shorts, a shirt, hoodie and beanie. There are soooooo many things I want to say…. “Where is your coat”, “Why are you wearing shorts instead of pants”, “You know you have nice snow boots”, and on and on. But here’s the thing. He already knows all of this! He knows he has boots, pants and a coat in his closet. He knows there’s a chance we could get stuck in the snow somewhere or end up having to walk all the way up the giant hill to the house in the snow. He’s old enough to know how to dress himself and he made that choice for hockey practice. When we go out to run errands or travel, he does wear pants, boots and a coat. In the event that he does have to climb up a snowy hill at 8:00 at night wearing crocks and shorts, well he might make a different choice in the future. Maybe not.
Help them develop a positive internal monologue. I don’t know about you, but I still hear my parents’ and coaches’ voices in my head in certain situations. We are the biggest influences on how our children see themselves and feel about themselves. When they are grown and influencing the world around them, are you going to be proud to be the little voice in their head? Food for thought. Anyway, as the kiddo has grown there have been little catch phrases and mantras, we have used with him. When he was just starting to play hockey, I was going through yoga teacher training. I was very interested in how we can use our breath to calm ourselves. When he would start to get stressed out, I would point to my nose and tell him “Take a deep breath, in through your nose, and down to your toes”. Eventually it got to the point where I could see him getting frustrated during a game and when he would glance up at me I could just point to my nose. He would take a slow deep breath and I could see him start to relax. Four years later this still works, hopefully it will be something he will always keep with him. Another situation we need to be aware of as parents is how we react in the moment when our kids make a mistake. For example, when a little kid spills a drink or something all over the floor. We can get mad and yell, or we can say oops, let’s go get a towel to clean this up. I realized I was doing OK as a parent when I accidentally spilled my water all over the floor and my five-year-old little mister said, “Oops, it’s OK mommy I’ll go get a towel so we can clean that up.” These reactive moments can stick with our kids long after they are adults. The other thing I really love is positive affirmations or mantras. The kiddo was finding that he was having trouble focusing at practice because he kept wanting to talk to his friends. So, we talked about using a mantra to help him. “I play hockey with focus and intensity.” He made the decision to keep headphones in while he dressed for practice instead of engaging in conversation with his friends so he could stay focused during practice. After practice he felt free to engage in conversation with his friends because he no longer needed to focus on practice. This has really helped him!
The last little nugget of goodness I would like to leave you with is our children are always watching us. We need to model the behaviors we want to encourage. We can’t expect happy, positive, confident teenagers if we are miserable, unhealthy, and insecure. Our kids know we are human, and honestly, they give us a lot of grace, I know my son does. Talk to them about what you’re feeling and experiencing. Talk to them about mistakes you’ve made and how you overcame them. Talk to them about goals you’ve set and whether or not you’ve accomplished them. Help them understand that they are not alone in whatever they are going through. This is a great way to connect with your kids. It’s also a great way to inspire or motivate your kids. We always feel more confident asking for help when we know the person, we’re asking has some experience with what we’re working though. Confidence is built step by step, brick by brick, moment by moment. We need to be there to support our teens, but we need to understand this is one thing we cannot do for them. You got this; I believe in you! Let’s make the world a better place one dragonslayer at a time!