As the Mama of a teenage boy it’s been a heck of a journey to build a healthy relationship with my kiddo, especially considering the family I grew up with. To say I don’t have a healthy relationship with my family would be a gross understatement. The road to a healthy relationship with our kids can be a long, bumpy and windy one. Parenting life is not always blissful, at times it is chaotic, painful, disheartening and downright stressful.
As Mamas (and Dads) we have to remember that we’re humans too. Sometimes we have stressful chapters in our lives. Sometimes we have stressful chapters with our spouses. Sometimes we have stressful chapters with our kids. Sometimes the stars align, and everything is great for everyone all at the same time!
As Mamas, sometimes our struggle comes from the fact that these kids (and our spouses) didn’t come with an instruction manual. Sometimes we have exactly zero idea of what we are supposed to be doing! Here’s the thing, it’s not our not knowing exactly what to do that causes our struggle and suffering. We cause ourselves stress and struggle because we are so dang hard on ourselves for not being perfect and always knowing exactly the right thing to do. As if the stress, drama and guilt we inflict on ourselves for not being perfect is somehow going to make things better. Craziness.
The pressure to be perfect and get everything right as a parent can be overwhelming. I don’t know about you, but I’ve spent a lot of time trying to be the perfect Mama. Somehow, I thought I could just jump right in and figure everything out without any training, self-awareness, experience, emotional intelligence, support system or a good example of how to even be a Mama. I’m overly ambitious, I know.
As a new Mama, I was hellbent on making sure my kiddo never had to endure any of the painful things I experienced as a kid. I’m pretty sure that didn’t happen. Heaven knows I have made plenty of mistakes while the kiddo and I were both growing up. I’m sure I’ll make plenty more between now and when he heads off into the next chapter of his life. What did happen was a ton of learning all the things, as well as unlearning more than a few. Parenthood is the most epic personal growth platform in the world. My kiddo has made me a significantly better human, which has been the greatest gift that I never saw coming when I was a young Mama. I’ve learned (finally) to give myself a whole lot of grace, and to give even more grace to my son. Every one of us is just doing the best we can to find our way through this crazy adventure called life. Here are a few things I’ve learned along the way that have helped to nurture my relationship with my son.
Work On Yourself
Say what?! Yeah, sorry doll, the only thing you can control in this great big world is yourself. You have to make the changes you want to see in your relationship with your kids. You have to do the deep work to understand your thoughts, your emotions and your reactions. You have to continually question the stories you tell yourself and the limiting beliefs you have about things. How do you conduct yourself? Is the story you are telling yourself about this or that even true? How do you know if it’s true? Is this story serving your greater good? Is it serving your family and your children? Take the time, make the effort to heal yourself. Get inside your head and your heart. Let go of the things that are holding you back, and the things that are hurting you. Focus on building a life that is loving, full of peace, fun and full of gratitude.
Don’t Take Things Personally
I know it’s hard sometimes. The kid is acting a fool, you can’t figure out why, so you assume it must be about you. Trust me Mama, 9.9 times out of 10 it isn’t. Your kiddo is learning and growing, and their behaviors are on them. Your reactions, those are on you, and I promise you that your kiddo is going to carry those reactions with them long after you’ve forgotten about them. What our kids think of us at any given moment in time is their business. There’s no way for us as parents to know what filters they are looking through in the moment. We have a hard enough time understanding the filters we’re viewing the world through, don’t stress yourself trying to figure out theirs too. If our default is to love them fiercely no matter what, they will learn to trust us. They will learn that we are their safe space no matter what. That’s important. Now I’m not saying give them permission to treat you or anybody else like dirt, that’s not OK. In the heat of the moment, we need to have enough control over our own emotions to say something along the lines of “I love you no matter what, but the way you are acting isn’t OK. I don’t know what is going on, but I’m here for you. Maybe you should just take a quiet minute away from this situation, and we can talk about this again in a little bit.” Something like that. I gave my kiddo permission very early on to tell us that he needed a minute, and then as hard as it is sometimes, we gave him that minute to go in his room and just be alone with his thoughts. This has made the situation better every time. Every single one. I can’t count how many times he’s come out of his room a bit later and apologized for acting a fool, and then had a rational conversation with me and/or his dad. Don’t hold a grudge, don’t bring up the bad attitude, just move forward. If something was said or done that needs to be discussed then discuss it, but if it doesn’t have to be a thing then don’t make it one.
Always See The Best In Your Kid
Along the same lines, focus on the amazing human that is your child. Our kids are not their bodies, their mood swings, or their thoughts. Our kids are their own people with their own personalities, their own talents and their own goals. Never get so caught up in the idea of “raising a good kid” that you forget that they already ARE good kids! They get to be whoever they want to be, and we can either get on board or get left behind. As parents, in the end, we don’t get to decide how, when or where our kids will use their gifts and talents. The very best thing we can do is love them unconditionally and remind them that we’re always in their corner. When we choose to just love them it will go a long way. Choose love during those hard, emotionally charged, hormone driven conversations where our kids are convinced that they know what’s best. You might be surprised to find that they might be right! Our kids aren’t a do-over for all the dreams we failed to realize. When we get stressed and frustrated and angry they feel all of it. When we doubt them then they start to doubt themselves a hundred times more. Our voices will be the little voices in their heads all of their lives. Let’s work really hard to make sure we’re proud of what those little voices are telling our kids long after they’ve left our immediate influence.
Give Them Space
And be a safe space for them. As our kids grow up, especially as they get into their teenage years they need space. They need to have peace and privacy and a place where they are free to think through all the crazy in their life. It’s our place as parents to ease off on our expectations a little bit. Be there when they are ready to connect, but don’t try to dictate connection. Sometimes building connection and trust looks like something you do together. One of my favorite things about my son playing hockey has always been the car rides. Driving to practice, driving to away games, driving to tournaments. We have always had a lot of time in the car to hang out, chat, sing some car karaoke, and just have time together without drama or expectations. He recently told me that he misses the long car rides to away games and tournaments since we moved to Hawaii. Me too kiddo, me too. We still get our time together though. We’ve started volunteering with the American Red Cross so we still get car rides around the island, and office hours together.
Encourage Your Kids
It took me too long to realize that when it comes to my kiddo’s life, particularly sports, he needs me to just be mom. Be a fan in the stands cheering for him. He doesn’t need coaching from the sidelines, he doesn’t need criticism, he doesn’t need mistakes pointed out. Kids need encouragement from their parents. Let the coaches coach. (There are times parents have to step in, I have a few ugly examples of that too, but overall, just don’t.) Let your kids know that it’s not only OK but necessary to express their emotions. They need to feel them and process them. Be a safe place for that. Love and encourage them, and then help them wipe their tears and move on. Kids also need to know that it’s OK to make mistakes. We all do. Mistakes are necessary for learning!! Be an encourager, the world already has plenty of critics. Our kids don’t need our judgement and criticism. They are extremely hard on themselves already.
Be Mindful Of Always Giving Advice
Our kids will always have to navigate life. New situations, romantic relationships, friendships, goals, grades, driving, jobs, the list goes on and on. If they come to you to vent, resist the urge to offer unsolicited advice. Our kids need to be able to learn to trust themselves as they navigate through tricky situations. We want them to trust themselves to make good decisions, so they don’t become the kind of people who always have to be told what to do. If they ask for advice, lead with love and don’t go overboard. Let’s teach our kids that sometimes talking through whatever is going on in their head will help them come to the conclusion they need. We can listen, we can be a sounding board, we can be supportive, but we don’t have to tell them what to do.
The best thing we can do for our kids is to become the very best version of ourselves. When we feel safe and secure, we think, feel and react differently. We have to be able to step out of our heads and look at the bigger picture. We also have to accept that our kids are their own people. They may not always do what we think they should do. They may not always do things the way we think they should do them. We have to love them anyway and not take it personally. Our kiddos are under no obligation to meet our needs or make us feel better. We’re the parents! Life will be so much more peaceful when we let go of trying to control everything. There is a book that I absolutely L-O-V-E. I’ve probably read it 100 times and I’ll probably read it 100 times more. Every time I read it I get something new out of it. This amazing book is called “The Yamas and NiYamas Exploring Yoga’s Ethical Practice” by Deborah Adele. I first read it when I was going through Yoga Teacher Training so many years ago. I think I’ve gifted about 25 copies because it’s so wonderful. I’ll link it at the bottom for you to check out. Anyway, in the first chapter, Ahimsa- non-violence, there is a blurb that really spoke to me the first time I read it. It says, “worry is another way violence gets masked as caring. Worry is a lack of faith in the other and cannot exist simultaneously with love. Either we have faith in the other person to do their best, or we don’t. Worry says I don’t trust you to do your life right. Worry comes from a place of arrogance that I know better what should be happening in your life. Worry says I don’t trust your journey, or your answers, or your timing. Worry is fear that hasn’t grown up yet; it’s a misuse of our imagination. We both devalue and insult others when we worry about them.” Woah, if that isn’t a slap in the face. Because yeah, who am I to tell you how to live your life?! As parents we have a duty to raise our children to be smart, strong, critical thinking, confident, capable, ambitious bad asses. But, by the time they get to their teenage years and beyond, all that teaching is mostly done. Sure, there are things to be taught here and there, but the basic programming is already installed. They are who they are. We have to trust, love and empower them to be the best versions of themselves. That starts with us being the best version of ourselves and showing our kiddos what that looks like. It’s not selfish to take time to take care of yourself. It’s necessary. You, my dear, cannot pour from an empty cup. Trust me, I’ve tried. Give yourself some grace. Give your kiddos some grace. You got this!!
If you want to check out the Yamas and NiYamas (trust me you do) you can get it here:
As an Amazon affiliate, I make a tiny commission from your purchase, but it doesn’t impact the price you pay. Can’t wait to hear what you think of it!